The End of the Journey - Part One

I accept that my journey did not have a happy ending, nor did it just end. And, there certainly is a story, which is only now in its infantile stages of formation. What I do know is that I am in a refactory period when I must take inventory of my situation, and carefully create my next big thing using what I have.

This isn't nearly as dismal as it sounds, because I am infinitely resourceful. But, the operative word, modifying the act of new creation, is "carefully". My modus operandi has always been to act fast to turn disappointing situations around. I can honestly say that I have never been embedded in a mess so complex, so I cannot depend on experience now. Losing my possessions didn't simply cause deep feelings of sadness. That diverted me from my career path, which is a serious issue. The whole point of finishing college was connected with my plans for the things that are no longer mine. So, by habit, I acted [too] fast and created a bigger financial mess.

Just because my future plans cannot be focused on fashion art, doesn't mean I am completely lost. My less than informed action of altering my program evaluation for a lateral career move focused on writing created problems. My plan is a good plan for the long term, but it negatively impacted my financial aid right now. Interestingly, though, it's going to realistically take the same amount of time to completely clean up the mess the botched move made as it will to stabilize finances. I perceive that to be a positive sign. From experience I can trust, interesting coincidences involving timing, even in less than optimum situations, is usually an accurate precursor of better circumstances.

So, for now, I will make the best of what I have left from my entire life, and plan for a better, and entirely different, life ahead. Even though this refractory period seems impossibly long, there is much to jam-pack into it in the meantime. Follow this blog for frequent updates. To carve out more time, and for better communication purposes, how I use social media will likely change. And, for now, this blog is going to be the home of that story, which is already forming for the purpose to be told.

I Want This Journey To End So The Adventure Can Begin

It's true. I do believe I am entitled to a meltdown, and a meltdown might be the only thing that can soothe my soul now. It has been one week since all of my possessions in storage were auctioned. I had already resolved, in my own mind that my only option at this point would be to sell almost all of it any way. In fact, I was counting on those proceeds to help heal the financial mess I have been wallowing in for since February 2017 when I decided to bail out of a home that was killing me.

As always, though, things did not quite go as planned. Extra Space Storage on Fulton Street in Indianapolis failed to notify me of the impending sale, so I did not find out about the auction until two days after it happened. I did keep the facility aware of my contact information, but there had been numerous changes in management. I suspect that Manager #2 was to blame, since she struggled with other issues I had with my account. It never occurred to me to make sure the contact information had been recorded.

The loss of almost the entire contents of my studio doesn't bother me nearly as much as losing some personal items. There is no record of the major events from my life and no photographs or any items that brought me joy and helped me take better care of myself. The sadness is overwhelming, but I am crawling forward, because there is nothing I can do to correct the situation.

I had not planned on having to start completely over from absolutely nothing, but that's what has to happen now. I did already move some things months ago, and there are some projects I can finish when I can purchase replacements for lost supplies. There are also items that don't make much sense to keep by themselves, so I can sell them and not think twice about it now.

And, to add insult to injury, my advisor is hard at work trying to solve a financial aid glitch that is going to impact my survival if we can't do something creative now. I am so weary, but my As are still straight. I don't know how I keep showing up with that when my life is crumbling more and more daily. When my possessions were gone, I hoped that would be the end of this crazy journey, but, obviously it is not. My next steps are to continue on with my coursework as well as I can, and do what I can with my Etsy shops with what I have left.

Please help me navigate this rough spot. There is a "Donate" button in the right sidebar. Or, you can donate directly from PayPal to baisebeige@gmail.com. I will need help with roof-over-head and food-in-fridge issues a little longer as well as with supplies to be able to finish some things to sell in my shops. I truly thought the end of the awful journey would be different and not more of the same. But, it is what it is and I have to deal with it. I do think I deserve to have a meltdown, but it is impossible to even simply shed tears now. The only solace I have is immersing myself with the education and e-tail tasks at hand and hope things change in my favor very, very soon.

Coming Undone

My news is mixed. It's not all good, nor is it all bad. I am stuck in the process of coming undone and I need your help now more than ever.

I moved into a residential hotel in August because this sort of housing is the only thing that closely fits my needs. I had to prioritize mail security and accessibility but compromise on location. After a few small trips to storage, I made the the wrong decision of moving a lot at once.

This is what you can see of the messy situation in my hotel-home in October. This was also the last time I have been able to afford to go to storage. I also cannot technically afford to keep my things in storage, but I pay the bills the best that I can. Most of my supplies and tools, which are the things I need to make money, are still in storage, so the locker expense is costing me significantly more than the face value of the rent.

I am coming undone in both a figurative and literal sense. It is difficult for me to unfasten and unwrap my things by myself and the process is slow. Without having everything in the same place, it is not even possible to unpack everything and create order. Those things are undone, but they are the least of the problem. The coming undone of plans and accepting failure are by far the worst.

There was a plan that got off to a good start and I was able to open my shops as soon as I moved.
The surprising thing was all three shops started producing well right away, but, after the first month, sales ceased and there was nothing I could do to restore performance. Without the ability to regularly list new items, my search rank spiraled downward. I made the mistake of being aggressive and running ads on Etsy. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars later, nothing has improved.

Between storage costs and spending money to try to resolve the storage impact on my ability to do business, I am not able to take care of my basic needs to keep a roof over my head and eat everyday.

I need your help today so I can start over.

I need to go back to the beginning, pay the past due rent on my lockers, hire help for moving and unpacking, and retrieve everything from storage. The process is going to be a little bit slow, because I can do very little on my own at once. The move must be gradual, but it will get done. I absolutely cannot do what you see in the image above again. That was a detriment to my well-being and was probably worse to have done than not done at all.

My shops are a mess. The advertising to make up for the lack of new items to list created enormous shop bills. My textile shop has been suspended for almost one month now. My vintage supply shop and chicken sweater shop are teetering on suspension now again. I am hoping beyond hope that they can save themselves since the sale of just one item in each of them will be enough to turn the situation around.

The most urgent need, and I do mean today, is money to pay room rent and to buy groceries. Storage locker rent and shop bills have depleted my funds to take care of basic economic needs. This living situation should have been sustainable, and I am profoundly disappointed that I find it impossible to come close to doing that.

Somehow, my As are still straight and my advisor admires me for doing that. I don't tell him all of the details, but he has an understanding that my personal situation is nearly impossible to navigate. I don't know how I do it either. Whether or not it is even wise, I am still "all in" with every aspect of my life and have no desire to stop, no matter how awful the circumstances are.

Can you help? There is a donate button in the right side bar of this blog for donations via PayPal. You can also donate directly using my Paypal e-mail: baisebeige@gmail.com.